Sometimes I feel the best time to write is now. 12.22 am. Where the only light that fills the room is the computer screen and the only sound is the tapping of my fingers pressing on the computer keys.
It was a nice night. Went to see sex in the city with friends and it was exactly what I thought it would be. Entertaining.
I had this thought as I munched on m&ms , sour patches and compensated the calories but slurping diet coke that weight has always been a struggle.
As a watched the ever-so skinny Sarah Jessica parker and all the beautiful fashion that filled the screen, each shot was filled with color, texturing and satin [not exactly forgiving on the body ] .how my body could not wear what her body did.
It dawned on me that even at high school .. That even at my skinniest, I was never happy.
So if I was never content then, when would I be happy with me?
I have planned boycotting of certain foods, planning of 5.30 workout , diet pills , diet drinks and diet food but nothing lasts or is stronger than the urge to eat .
I’m not sure inspiration is what I’m after. I am constantly inspired by beautiful people and clothing that was not designed for boobs and butt.
So maybe , just maybe… it is not skinny I seek.. But an acceptance from within.
I’ll probably eat more chocolate and bread than I should tomorrow but hey! At least im emotionally growing…
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
nearly 2 but it feels like she is 20
There are so many moments when I melt to mush by the little things Alana does.
When she tilts her head on mine..
Gives me kisses
Asks for hugs.
I love just laying on the couch and watching yabba gabba.
is it just a mom think to look at your kids baby photos while they are sleeping?
Every stage in a childs development is pretty special but lately with her being so interactive and vocal.. I feel like she is no longer a baby. i could just be saying that because i put a bag full of clothes away in storage that no longer fit her. please note i do this every 3 months. she is growing so fast.... i now have this little person who tells me exactly what she wants to eat in the morning, where she wants to go and what she wants to wear [ 99% its ;jeeeeeeans' and a select few jackets]
She has just started saying 3 or 4 word sentences. Not grammatically correct but I get the drift
“Shab shood hameeh lala” Night time everyone sleeping
“Beroon sard shood kohla.” Outside is cold hat. Referring to the hat she should wear outside
she is very so sweet and funny. when im running slow and she has ran past me and waits for me to lock out front door... you hear a screaming 19 month old say "mommmy chop chop"
Last week Alana was sitting in the living room and I left to go shower and when I returned she said excitedly “ momon peydayshood” = moms been found. As if I got lost or something.
When she tilts her head on mine..
Gives me kisses
Asks for hugs.
I love just laying on the couch and watching yabba gabba.
is it just a mom think to look at your kids baby photos while they are sleeping?
Every stage in a childs development is pretty special but lately with her being so interactive and vocal.. I feel like she is no longer a baby. i could just be saying that because i put a bag full of clothes away in storage that no longer fit her. please note i do this every 3 months. she is growing so fast.... i now have this little person who tells me exactly what she wants to eat in the morning, where she wants to go and what she wants to wear [ 99% its ;jeeeeeeans' and a select few jackets]
She has just started saying 3 or 4 word sentences. Not grammatically correct but I get the drift
“Shab shood hameeh lala” Night time everyone sleeping
“Beroon sard shood kohla.” Outside is cold hat. Referring to the hat she should wear outside
she is very so sweet and funny. when im running slow and she has ran past me and waits for me to lock out front door... you hear a screaming 19 month old say "mommmy chop chop"
Last week Alana was sitting in the living room and I left to go shower and when I returned she said excitedly “ momon peydayshood” = moms been found. As if I got lost or something.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Expected arrival time.Landed.Processing.Here.
As I was waiting for Mahan at the airport. I had a mix of feelings and emotions. I was so excited, anxiously wondering what Alana’s reactions would be when she saw mahan, if customs took all the Persian sweets I asked Mahan to buy in la/tehranglas, if mahan picked the chicken dinner meal or the fish on the plane and if Mahan was blessed to sleep on his 13 hour flight considering he was flying without Alana [ unlike I! ) and had a whole seat to himself!
It was busy,i guess you would expect an international airport to be.
i got annoyed at my dad... he asked me if he should buy mahan flowers? seriously who buys a guy flowers... unless your .... obviously then you would... but not when your mahan. nonetheless he still did.so he spent 10 bucks on a single rose. single. rose. even more gay... so i asked him to return it. that single rose purchased 2 minutes earlier is now non refundable but it was happily exhanged for something or equal value. funny that.. they didnt sell anything less than 10 bucks. ended up adding 6 extra bucks to buy a little kiwi bird toy have the size of my hand.
ok enough complaining..... so back to waiting at the airport...
There were wives waiting to be reunited with husbands, sons with mothers, mothers with daughters... some other people with some other people which i couldnt exactly put the connection together but it got me thinking...arrival areas are a happy place. not a rocket science observation i know.... Unlike the departures. Arrivals are exciting, your obviously arriving somewhere new… you have clean clothes in your bags, gifts, large hopes of exploring, learning and taking photos you can later share on facebook/flikr… and best of all….days of vacation time to utilize. Departures on the other hand are depressing, goodbyes, you’re leaving with laundry you have to do when you get home, money you shouldn’t have spent on silly souvenirs and that daunting reminder that you have work to return to.
Besides a cemetery where a loved one is buried or a hospital where your child is born or someone you know or love passes away ...there aren’t many places that you can have deep emotional memories like an airport.
I will never forget the deep pain I felt when I was leaving my mother. I was traveling alone. Mahan had left 3 weeks earlier after we got married in New Zealand and I was flying solo. It started off as such a horrible day in the departure lounge…..
it wasn’t necessarily that I personally couldn’t bear to be parted [ a huge part of me was happy that Mahan and I would be united but it wasn’t about me ] It was the fact that my mother was not ready to see me go and go so far…. After saying goodbye at that last stop, there is a place where they can go and watch you walk to your terminal only for a few minutes. It was a gut wrenching pain because I couldn’t hear or see her crying but in the strangest way I could feel her crying which was so strong I could feel like I was choking with tears.
I worry that my parents have fallen madly and deeply in love with Alana and that I will once again be bringing them pain. Hopefully they will come to the states in 2010.
Oh so back to Mahan.
He arrived safe and sound! He slept, even had a spare seat next to him, my sweets arrived unharmed and Alana was happy and surprised her daddy was in New Zealand :)
Her facial expression read “hey, what are you doing here?” followed with a smile.
I thrilled Mahan’s here and I can’t wait for his 2 week New Zealand adventure to begin.
Tomorrow we head to Wellington for 2 days with my brother
It was busy,i guess you would expect an international airport to be.
i got annoyed at my dad... he asked me if he should buy mahan flowers? seriously who buys a guy flowers... unless your .... obviously then you would... but not when your mahan. nonetheless he still did.so he spent 10 bucks on a single rose. single. rose. even more gay... so i asked him to return it. that single rose purchased 2 minutes earlier is now non refundable but it was happily exhanged for something or equal value. funny that.. they didnt sell anything less than 10 bucks. ended up adding 6 extra bucks to buy a little kiwi bird toy have the size of my hand.
ok enough complaining..... so back to waiting at the airport...
There were wives waiting to be reunited with husbands, sons with mothers, mothers with daughters... some other people with some other people which i couldnt exactly put the connection together but it got me thinking...arrival areas are a happy place. not a rocket science observation i know.... Unlike the departures. Arrivals are exciting, your obviously arriving somewhere new… you have clean clothes in your bags, gifts, large hopes of exploring, learning and taking photos you can later share on facebook/flikr… and best of all….days of vacation time to utilize. Departures on the other hand are depressing, goodbyes, you’re leaving with laundry you have to do when you get home, money you shouldn’t have spent on silly souvenirs and that daunting reminder that you have work to return to.
Besides a cemetery where a loved one is buried or a hospital where your child is born or someone you know or love passes away ...there aren’t many places that you can have deep emotional memories like an airport.
I will never forget the deep pain I felt when I was leaving my mother. I was traveling alone. Mahan had left 3 weeks earlier after we got married in New Zealand and I was flying solo. It started off as such a horrible day in the departure lounge…..
it wasn’t necessarily that I personally couldn’t bear to be parted [ a huge part of me was happy that Mahan and I would be united but it wasn’t about me ] It was the fact that my mother was not ready to see me go and go so far…. After saying goodbye at that last stop, there is a place where they can go and watch you walk to your terminal only for a few minutes. It was a gut wrenching pain because I couldn’t hear or see her crying but in the strangest way I could feel her crying which was so strong I could feel like I was choking with tears.
I worry that my parents have fallen madly and deeply in love with Alana and that I will once again be bringing them pain. Hopefully they will come to the states in 2010.
Oh so back to Mahan.
He arrived safe and sound! He slept, even had a spare seat next to him, my sweets arrived unharmed and Alana was happy and surprised her daddy was in New Zealand :)
Her facial expression read “hey, what are you doing here?” followed with a smile.
I thrilled Mahan’s here and I can’t wait for his 2 week New Zealand adventure to begin.
Tomorrow we head to Wellington for 2 days with my brother
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
