To make oneself happy first???

After watching oprah.... something dawned on me.The times have changed.

I call this the " ME FIRST DRIFT “, what this implies IS WOMEN who after years of finding themselves unhappy in work/marriage/relationships...just snap and stop thinking about others.... In their eyes, they have spent years molding, confining and being agreeable when it was all to satisfy others rather themselves. I guess its like a major hissy-fit gone bad. They quit their jobs get divorces, change careers, change homes, cities, states and even religions till they "found" themselves.

This is pretty much the result of 90% of the women on the oprah show 2 weeks ago.
They say their are happy. They look happy. They look younger, slimmer [ a lot slimmer. were they emotional eater? ]...and satisfied. Satisfied to be in control. The crowds cheered beyond belief for women’s independence. should i have cheered also?


So did these people marry to young? Were they forced into a career of convenience? A guilt driven career their parents had engraved them into pursuing? Did they not expect financial difficulty? Did they not think that just like they had expectations, expectation would have been had for them. Did they fall into despression? Did they grow and feel kept behind?


Did we create this? Did we place so much pressure on women to be the best wife, lover, friend; mother that we just wake up on morning and think it’s just not worth it? Is it the Americans dreams fault? Bigger & better? is it the refusal to let stereotypes dictate? It’s just not worth being second best? It’s just not worth being in this state of uncertainty. This is not I? I don’t enjoy laundry so why do I do it? Are people just not grateful? Is this all a spiritual inept? or is it an awakening?

What is this ‘found ourselves’ thing? Haven’t we always known the base of who we are?
And only tests and difficulties open us to who we can become?
I'm not so much of a traditionalist that i feel a women shouldn't leave if her husband isn't beating her? no. i'm not implying that women should settle.
I'm curious. curious to a world of doubt. I wonder why feelings are fleeting just as that notion of happiness is so close yet so far.

My NOSE is driving me crazzzzy!

Days are so long

Right now I’m stuck in a dilemma
I can’t cook. Me… the women who finds cooking as therapy. The women who love her kitchen…who doesn’t mind spending money and lavishing her table if it means food can be shared and memories made. This is me! The one who gets most excited looking at cookbooks! The one who thought it would be a FAAAAAABULOUS IDEA TO start a catering business for scott and white hospital. what an idiot.

Somehow I had this idea that the catering business wouldn’t be unaffected.
I mean. At one point it was. Last time I was in pregnancy mode I was fine. I ate and ate… and looked 5 months pregnant at 5 weeks. yesterdau I thought about what i would look like without a nose. all i see are pictures in my head with small print labelled 'crack is whack'.

This time. I can’t cook. I wish I could. Poor mahan has been eating out all week. I feel so guilty and useless. The smell of onion cooked or raw makes me queasy. Opening the fridge can even set me off…. Don’t even get me started on the smell of Mahan’s medical scrubs. Last week I was sure I could smell pollution outside… who the hell analyses fresh air? Hormonal women.

The last event I did was 2 weeks ago… when I was fine-ish.
Now I have a private party for one of Mahan’s staff on Tuesday.
Guess what’s the menu? A custom Indian menu.
How can I stomach the smell of Indian spices? Lord knows.
Pray for me people. Pray for the removal of one of my senses… pray for food to magically prepare itself and pray for world peace while you’re at it.

The straws we're dealt

I'm currently suffering from morning sickness.yes. im pregnant. but you're reading this because you're in the selective group of loves. it comes on generally when your hormones get high enough. morning sickness, for me.. is generally never in the morning. its actually not in the afternoons nor the evenings. its allllllll daaaaay and night long.

it consists of feeling like you're going to throw up & you do.
it consists of forgetting your human and feeling like you have the senses of a dog on a mission to smell everything and everyone.

lets not forget the sore boobs that hurt everytime they even feel breeze, mild acne making me feel like im 16 again and the urgency to pee like menopause has struck early and i have no control of you know where.I do feel old. I feel like taking 4 naps a day, which also involves....sleeping at 6pm, which in turn [ one would think ] doesn't provide me enough beauty sleep to fix my acne either. short straw, i KNOW

My diet right now consists of plain crackers and ginger ale.
everything else smells like it just came out of the trash and has been breeding bacteria for the last 42 hours.

I am complaining. am I not?
yes. but amongst it all I'm happy. I remind myself of my symptoms.
They say, the sicker you are.. the healthier the baby.
It wasn't that long ago, so its not hard to recall...
but i was never THIS sick.
The morning sickness, the acne and the thought that i could pee my pants soon if i don't take the opportunity to use the bathroom now ...brings me joy.

joy in the fact, that there are changes.
I'm happy because i know, at the end... this. all of this complaining. will be nothing compared to how happy I will be.
That finally. all the acne, all the crackers, all of that.. brought me here.
Now that. is the longests. bestest. straw of them all.